Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Moving Forward

A big weight has been lifted from my life..  For 26 days, we knew our pregnancy was over, yet we were unable to move forward physically or emotionally due to the time constraints of the process we had to endure.  Probably the most difficult 26 days of my life.  This post is more of a diary type entry than a blog one, but it's the reality of our life right now and no sense hiding it.

After the DNA test indicated Downs, we had to wait until I was 16wks pregnant to go in for the Amnio test.  That was Oct 18th.  The test itself was okay.  I was very nervous about it, who wants a long needle puncturing their belly, sounded painful.  It was a tiny bit painful and the process took about 5 minutes.  Derek was there with me.  We both ended up looking at the ultrasound, something I thought we both might try to avoid.  Why would I want to see my baby?  But to avoid looking would be an attempt to avoid reality and I couldn't live with that.  I needed to face this and deal with the entire process.  I did not however watch the ultrasound as the needle was inserted, and that had nothing to do with baby, and more to do with my own desire to not see the needle!

Over that weekend, we spent some time with friends on Saturday and when we got home found an anonymous package in our mailbox.  Someone attempted to trick us into thinking the package had been mailed, but it was obvious that it was personally delivered to our mailbox.  It was a note that said "Before decisions are made, Read these stories" and there was a Christian based book about Special Needs Children and how they are God's Gift.  Or something along those lines.  The book went straight to the garbage.. it came out then back in, then out then finally back in the garbage as we tried to analyze the handwriting, stamps, the note etc..  In general, it created a lot of hurt anger and pain for us.  Someone clearly did not understand us at all, did not have the courage to talk with us or stand behind their beliefs and hid behind this book and being anonymous.  We only told a small handful of people the reality of what was happening and that person did not respect us enough to have a discussion or talk with us.  Or maybe it was someone that read my blog.  We were very angry and upset about it, but have found a way to move past it.  I sincerely hope I never find out who it was at this point, because I would deeply struggle with wanting anything to do with them if I found out who they were.  I expected people would have differing opinions, I expected some would not agree and feel strongly about it, but I didn't expect any of our friends or family would be so cold and insensitive to us.  Our generic description that most people received from us was simply our way of getting it out there, but anyone that has asked us what happened with our pregnancy, we have been straight forward with, open and honest.

We have spent the entire past 26 days grieving and coping with the loss of this pregnancy.  We have talked about it daily.  Although we stand firm behind our decision and knew it was the right decision, it does not make it an easy thing to go through and we still had to learn how to cope with it all.  We are strong, we have grown stronger together and I feel more love towards Derek every day.  This process did not spread us apart, it has pulled us closer and we found positive ways to work through it all, but we still had weak moments, we still had bad days..  not for the decision but for the loss of our child.

With all that anonymous stress on our shoulders, we then had a birthday dinner on Sunday evening with some of my family.  It was a nice break from the long weekend we had been dealing with.  On Monday morning I received the call from the Amnio Test and Downs was confirmed.  :(  We knew it was coming, so I was not upset all over again.  I spent the day waiting to then hear from the UW with the plans on moving forward with the termination.  The call finally came in around 4:30 and the gal indicated I would be coming down on Wed the 23rd for a visit with the Dr for a consultation, then 24th for family history and a visit with the social worker, then surgery on Friday 25th.

I was a bit overwhelmed at that moment because this was all going to start happening in just 2 days!  I didnt anticipate it to go so quickly.  I felt a surge of emotion come over me and I took a few minutes to just cry to myself as reality once again was sinking in.  I had planned to take the next day off from work (my 40th Birthday!) and spend it to myself, just hanging out being lazy around the house, relaxing and enjoying me-time.  But plans had to change and I decided to go to work on my birthday since I would be taking 1/2 day Wed, all day Thurs and all day Friday off work.

My birthday was uneventful.  Derek was awesome and brought home the exact dinner I had wanted, BLT's!  :)  He didnt enjoy it as much as I did, but I really appreciated the effort and sacrifice he made to just have a nice relaxed evening at home with him.  And he found me an amazing card that just fit so perfectly for how we both feel right now.

Wednesday, mom went with me down to the UW for my consultation.  I didnt want Derek to have to take time off work for that, so she joined me.  It was a good thing she was there.  I had no idea I would be having any medical procedure done that day.  It was a long afternoon of waiting and waiting and finally getting to see the Dr and get some questions answered.  I was informed they would be inserting the dilation straws that day so that my body would have about 36 hours to get ready for Friday.  If they could get enough straws in that day, I would not have to come back the next day and they would have a social worker call me so I wouldnt have to drive back down at all on Thursday.

I dont know what to say about the dilation insert process except that it was the most painful experience of my life.  I had NO idea that much pain and discomfort would be happening.  It lasted about 30 minutes and my body immediately went into severe cramping mode when it was finished.  I was very thankful to have someone with me to drive me home, as I was barely able to walk to the car and then continued to cramp severely for the next 14 hours.  I should have taken the Oxy prescription that was provided for after the surgery, but instead stuck with the Ibuprofen they provided, which seemed to do very little to help out!  I spent most of the day Thursday lounging around, just trying to stay comfortable as the pain slowly eased up by the hour after I woke that morning.  By this time, I was quite nervous about Surgery, thinking if this is the pain from the dilation process, how bad will surgery be.

Friday morning, we were at the hospital at 5:10 am, there was a line to check in and were escorted back to the pre-op room at about 5:35.  Derek was with me the entire time as they prepped me and we were successful at staying positive and light hearted and almost all smiles that morning.  I did have a couple momentary almost panic moments where I was flooded with emotion and on the verge of bawling, I was a little scared about the process and the thought of going under..  But I kept my emotions under control and smiled through it.  The staff was all very nice.  They gave me the amnesia drug, Derek left the room, within a few minutes they wheeled me back to the surgery room and last I remember really is arriving at the surgery room.  I then came back to reality as I was wheeled into the post-op room and was awake within a few seconds.  No groggy-ness at all.  I was surprised at how awake I felt.  Apparently they only put me under a heavy sedation for the surgery and with the amnesia drug, I dont recall a thing.  I was feeling no pain, I was comfortable and almost immediately felt relief it was over.

Derek was back in with me within a few minutes of waking up and we spent another 30 minutes or so in that room.  I then was cleared for departure, changed back into my clothes and we went home.  I think we were home by 11am.  I took 2 Oxy pills that day, just because.  I am not sure I needed them, but wanted to be safe, not sorry about any upcoming pain.  I felt no pain, hardly any cramping either.  I was mobile that day, although minimally for Friday and Saturday as I was still bleeding and the more I moved, the more I bled.  I gave Derek permission to go hunting on Saturday and was able to take care of myself that day.  By Sunday I was still feeling good and was able to go to my parents house for the baby shower mom and I had planned for Andrea.  When we planned the shower date, we had no idea I would be having surgery 2 days prior, it just worked out that way.  But I was able to enjoy myself at the shower, minimal bleeding that day, no pain and we had a great time.   Emotionally I was OK.  It was a little hard at times when I wanted to pipe in and make a comment about our future pregnancy, but I didnt want to create any awkward moments, so didnt say anything about our future baby.  It was a day about Andrea and not about me.  I'm most certain that only moms family was aware of the surgery and that dad's family had no idea.

Emotionally...  I am fine.  I immediately felt relief and that a huge stress had been lifted.  It was impossible to move forward prior to this surgery, but I now feel we can stop dwelling on the past and what was, and think about what will be.  We are sad, hurt and upset but we are ready to think about the future.  It feels a bit weird to feel "fine", I wonder if I should be more sad or depressed and feel some guilt about not being more upset right now, but I then realize I've had 26 days to deal with the loss and accept this loss.  I feel as though Friday 25th was just a technicality and that the real loss happened on Sept 30th.

Today is Tuesday, I have very minor bleeding, I'm getting motivated to start getting my house back under control, my energy is coming back a bit more every day, unfortunately so is my appetite!!  I need to get that under control sooner than later as I think I am down about 55 pounds right now, do NOT want to blow that.  So I will be rejoining WW probably next week to stay on track.  I am feeling the urge to start working on the next baby, unfortunately we have to wait  :)  Its going to be a long couple months waiting.... I am ready to jump in and get started!

Riding

I've been avoiding my blog for a while, be we have had some positive experiences this past month, I just was not in the mood to post about it.  On Oct 13th, I hauled Hula and Edgar out to Sultan to ride in a Benefit Trail Challenge.  I had been hearing of this trail coarse for a while, and finally had the opportunity to go.

I was so proud of Suzi, she took 1st place out of 6 in her youth division!!  She was shocked..  I was not surprised at all, Edgar is the man!  This past weekend Suzi took Edgar to a 4H Fall show and took 1st place in the trail class as well for her Novice Sr Division!!  I dont know how many kids she competed against, but I am super proud of her.  She opted not to do the other riding classes that day as Edgar was having some arthritis issues and she did not want to hurt him.

On the day of the benefit show, I rode Hula in the Novice Division and although we did not place, we did score 86/100..  which was pretty good I thought!
I really enjoy Hula, she's been a pretty solid horse so far.  This trail challenge was the first time I had been on since the ladies ride in August.  Felt good to ride, but I was a bit sore the next day.  Since I was still pregnant during this ride, my hips and crotch area decided they were not real happy about it and made me realize in the future, that riding while pregnant is best not to be done.  I haven't had a chance to ride since this benefit show, but intend to get back in the saddle very soon.

Monday, October 7, 2013

Love & Support

I've been avoiding this post...  first because I wanted a chance to be sure family understood what was happening and then also because, it's not something positive to write about...

3 weeks ago we went in for the Ultrasound/DNA test that would determine if there were any problems with the baby..  Downs in particular was my biggest concern.  Being almost 40, I knew the risks going in were about 1/110 for our baby to develop Downs.  There are other genetic problems the DNA test looks for, but those are not as common and were not on my radar.  There was a lot of anticipation and worry waiting those 11 days until I finally got the call.

Monday morning, Sept 30th I got the call and our baby was confirmed positive for Downs!  We also learned our baby was a boy.  I immediately left work and went home to spend the day with Derek (who had the day off already).  We were devastated..  Both of us bawled and just sat there, not knowing what to do next and how to feel, or what to say.  Although we knew it was a possibility, we had always held hope that it would not happen to us.  Surely things were going so perfectly as it was with our pregnancy and the timing of it all, that all was going to be OK and normal.  Until reality slaps you in the face and wakes you up.  The genetics counselor at the clinic was free that afternoon, so we went to talk with her in more detail about what was happening and the next steps forward.

Derek and I both knew right away that there was no choice to make and there was only one option for moving forward.  Not a decision we thought we would have to make nor want to make, but here we are and the choice is to not keep this baby and try again.  We don't loose sleep over our decision, and we don't second guess what we have to do.  But we have lost sleep over the "loss" of our current baby.  We've lost sleep over having to give up on the dreams and thoughts and life we had envisioned for this child.  I'm not happy to make this decision, please don't make that assumption.  I'm pretty scared about the upcoming steps and procedures I now have to endure to move forward.

Derek & I are very open about it, we have no problems talking to people about it and our decision if they inquire.  We talk daily with each other about it, as we still have to cope with loosing our first pregnancy and trying to stay positive to move forward.  We go in on the 18th for an amnio..  basically they insert a needle into my belly and withdraw fluid from inside the babies sac.  They will run tests on that fluid to confirm Downs again is detected.  The DNA test we took is 99.99% accurate with ZERO false positives reported, so there is basically no chance the initial test we took is wrong.  But for ease of mind, we will do the amnio as suggested and move forward from there.

What we are looking forward to is trying again!!  We will be meeting with my Dr this week to talk to him about whats going on and when it will be safe to try.  The sooner the better.  :)  We have realized also just how badly we want this family and a baby so we will not give up and can only hope that mother nature will be kinder to us the second time around.  We LOVE and APPRECIATE all the love and support we have felt from our family and friends during this.  My guess is moving forward, we wont be quite so quick to share the information about our pregnancy until we know we have a clean bill of health on BabyF8!!   It will be hard to contain since I still swear that time slows down when you are pregnant.